More Emailing Idiots

Apparently February is the month They let the idiots out and give 'em access to computers.  I don't know who "They" are, but I wish "They" would stop.  Keep the idiots locked up, I say!


Let's start with the first person who doesn't know who I am, but emailed me anyway:

February 1:

Hi chef.

We’re looking for a guest chef for one night to make a special dinner at [name removed], our women’s and children’s homeless shelter in Seattle.  Chef [name removed] spoke highly of you, as well as our current chef [name removed].  Those who have done this in the past have thanked us for the rewarding experience it was to serve the poor.  Your creation may be the best meal these women have ever had, and they’ll talk it about it for the whole rest of their life.

Would you or one of your sous chefs be interested?  The dinner is at 5:30 PM on Friday, February 11, 2011.

You choose the menu, and cook that night banquet style for about 70.  Everybody gets the same entree, side and dessert.   We supply the food.  Our cooks will make a 2” hotel pan of macaroni and cheese also for the kids who don’t want the specialty dish.  If you choose to do this we’ll meet to discuss the menu.

Thank you, sir.  Here are a couple of photos of our team and their work.

Wow.  What a cheery staff.

This was quite the opportunity, so I was happy to accept.  Although I have no formal training in the culinary arts, he did address me as "Chef," so that's a start.  I like to eat food, and I used to watch Julia Child on PBS, so I figured what I didn't know I could just pick up, much like Rémy on Ratatouille.  (I think that food looks pretty good, and suddenly I'm very hungry).  Imagine my disappointment when I showed up after accepting their offer, only to be told that they wanted someone with a bit more experience.  Snobs.

On to the next one!

February 11th:

Jeremy,

Is your new Emerald Lounge logo finalized?  If so, could you please send it to me?  Please send me the Pages format for my MAC. 

Thank you,

Fanny

Honestly, I haven't had time to finish my Emerald Lounge logo.  I hope they don't fire me.  I don't even have any ideas about what I want the logo to look like.  I assume it will end up being green, but what else?  Panic!

Here's another:
February 14th:

Good job Jeffrey!  You should be very proud of yourself. 

XOXO, Mom

---

Subject: Jeffrey in English class

Hi Ms. Hansen,

I just wanted to send a note home to tell you what a pleasure it is having Jeffrey in my AP English 12 class this year. He is one of  my best participators and is always on task. He is clearly a very talented and conscientious student, which shows in his writing, reading comprehension, and the fact that he is so consistent in his homework/class work.

Not only is Jeffrey a good student academically, but he also has a wonderfully positive attitude on a daily basis, which is always appreciated!

Have a good day!
Janet

You know what, "Mom," I am proud of myself.  I did take AP English in high school, and I was pretty darn good in that class.  I appreciate your congratulatory words, but you're about 16 years too late.  And you spelled my name wrong.  It's J-U-S-T-I-N.

Yet another:
February 21: 

GOOD AFTERNOON JEREMY

I AM FORWARDING THE PROOF FOR THE CHECKS FOR [SOME RESTAURANT].  ANTHONY'S EMAIL DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING FOR ME.

OPEN ATTACHMENT WITH PASSWORD: ur1bigidiot

OK TO PRINT?

THANKS

VERONICA

Well, Veronica... maybe you typed Anthony's email address wrong, like you did with Jeremy's.  I do appreciate you sending me (a complete stranger) a digital copy of this restaurant's new order of check stock.  And also providing me the confidential password (which I of course changed before I posted this) to open the file you attached?  Real helpful!  If I was a dishonest person, I might enjoy printing my own stack of those checks to spread around town.  One more thing... YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT!!!  (For the record, I did not open the password-protected file.)

And today's latest one:

February 24th:

Hi John,

Nice to talk to you, please send me the papers. Thank you.

Regards

Alex Ping

Loan Consultant

You know, I don't think I'm going to send him those papers.  There I was, happily talking to my other personality, John.  But it turns out Alex heard me and actually carried on a conversation with me.  I hope I didn't say anything embarrassing.  I can't believe this guy, though.  Eavesdropping on me and then demanding papers from me?  Can't he just give me the loan without the spy tactics?  I promise I'll pay it back... or John will.