Dear Jane Hansen,
Congratulations! An account has successfully been created for you.
Please feel free to e-mail or call us toll free at 888-245-5000 with any questions.
Thank you for creating an account with The Professional Supplement Center!
I thought it was kinda odd to get this email. You know, since I've never heard of the Professional Supplement Center. Oh, and my name isn't Jane. It's not even one of my aliases. As I was about to delete that email message, I got a subsequent email with the order that Jane just placed, including her full address. Turns out Jane Hansen doesn't know her own email address, so instead she chose mine. Lucky me!
In case you're curious, Ms. Jane Hansen of Onalaska, Washington, just ordered 2 bottles of 60 Vegetarian Capsules. The bottles are $14.80 each and she paid $29.60, because shipping was free. Not a bad deal, I guess... except what on earth are vegetarian capsules? Are they capsules filled with vegetables? Maybe the disgusting ones -- like Brussels sprouts or eggplant or okra -- that no one likes to eat but they do because they're just so good for you (or so they say). Or are these capsules filled with protein and meat so that you can get the nutrients that you are lacking because you only eat lettuce and carrots? I'm not exactly sure what these capsules contain, because I simply don't care. I'm just disappointed that she didn't order some embarrassing dietary supplements. That would have been fun. Oh well.
What Ms. Jane Hansen of Onalaska, Washington, should have ordered is the 12-pack of human brain function supplements. They are guaranteed to increase the brain function of even the most brain-dead of individuals. Guaranteed to turn an idiot into... less... of... an... idiot. (Gotta speak slowly to these people sometimes.)
Or, maybe Ms. Jane Hansen should try eating some delicious steak. Or chicken. Or salmon. Or bacon. Or bacon-wrapped salmon. Any of those would help her because meat, pork, poultry and fish have been proven to grow functioning brain cells.* Take me, for example... I eat all of that stuff (except the bacon-wrapped salmon) and I'm smart! S-M-R-T!
(*Statement has not been evaluated by the FDA, so it may or may not be true, but for the purposes of my blog, just assume everything I say is true. It's easier that way. My blog. My rules.)
So it seems the fun never ends with idiots and my email address. I'm looking forward to the next fantastic email sent to me. Until then, I will be sending Ms. Jane Hansen some complimentary subscriptions to Carnivores Weekly, Sushi Aficionado (it should be spelled A-fish-ionado, but I digress), and The Journal of Bacon Lovers.
Stay tuned for next time, when I will be describing some fine idiots I encountered on my recent trip to Disneyland.
I always believe everything you tell me. Besides that is totally true about the meat. My kids love steak, salmon and bacon and have you seen the size of their heads?
ReplyDeleteHow does someone get their own email address wrong?? Most sites have you enter it two times, too, so that means she got it wrong twice.
That's true. You do usually have to enter it twice. Takes some real skill to enter your email wrong twice!
ReplyDeleteI will follow the rules. I promise.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can't WAIT to hear about Disneyland. I'm sure there were plenty of idiots to write about.
Yep, plenty of idiots. Several were noteworthy enough to write about. Complete and absolute idiots.
ReplyDelete